From Suicide Survivor to Creative Entrepreneur | Andrew Jang

0:10 So welcome to this episode of the Holly Hughes Podcast, where creative people come to talk about life outside of the corporate box. Today I'm exceedingly excited. I think I say that too often, but everyone knows I fall in love with every guest, which is problematic, but part of who I am as well. I have Andrew Yang today, so that was my other thing. Isn't Jang or Yang because it's Korean? But I don't know if your adoptive family was Korean. Yeah, so my adoptive family is white, but it's Chonga. But everyone says Jang and I just go with it because it is what it is. OK, I'm just, I'm going to roll with it then. So I'll say Andrew Jang, but you are a fashion designer, an epic one. I can't wait to dive into that and a mental health advocate. And my tongue in cheek is like, I think you're a thirst trap king.

0:55 For all the ladies out there who haven't seen his gym photos. You're honestly missing out. And I am a little hesitant to tease and joke because we are going to be talking about depression and suicidal ideation. I don't want you to think I'm belittling it, but one of my coping mechanisms is I deflect with humor. And so now you all know more about me that way. That is how I cope with crap. So thank you for coming. We've kind of been Internet friends. I don't know like a couple years at this point, but that's kind of spectacular as well. Yeah, yeah, especially for me, 'cause I don't keep friends long.

1:35 I think you're super vulnerable. And I used to be. And so when I see that sometimes I put an extra boundary up, I'm like, oh, something's happening with him. I don't know what. And I can feel because of my clairvoyance, when you get entangled, I was like, oh, what's going to happen next? But when I met you, you were traveling across the United States meeting people in an RV that scared the shit out of me. That RV scared me. I was like, what are you doing in that death box? And then the damn thing blew up basically. So again, welcome to the show. I want to start with your fashion design. I was actually quite worried like what do I wear? Because I know you can only just see me from like here up anyway. But I was like fashion like in Lai was a fashion girl. I was all there.

2:25 But now I'm like, I don't know, I know it's intimidating. I wanted to look cute, but classic. So I just went with the white T-shirt because like, you can't go wrong with that. And it's hot already here in the Carolinas. So screw it. I know you think it's funny, but it's totally how I thought. I I want to know like, what is your perspective on your origin story and how it influenced you in fashion? Because you wrote about like kind of being worn and left. Like that's when I think of like fashion, like high fashion, it's worn your scene and then it's left, right? And so I was curious if you've ever thought about it that way.

3:05 No, maybe because fashion really isn't that important to me. I only got a chance to work at the NBA draft just because some randomness of life, like I didn't go to school for fashion. I was considered one of the worst dressed in high school, and I was. And when I got into my 20s and I had money, I dressed like a douche because I didn't know what style was. I didn't know what taste was. I went to Express, I went to Nordstrom, bought all the expensive shit because the salesperson was hot. Like, that's all I knew. And so I literally when you imagine the douchiest guy with the most expensive clothes and the most manicured eyebrows and tips, gold yellow tips in their hair, that was me. And I didn't know any better, but I was very fortunate. So a little bit of the origin story born. My mother gave me to my grandmother. My grandmother gave me up for adoption. That was it made to a family in Iowa, great family farming community.

4:09 My parents are educators. Started out with I think there was four or five of us when I first got there. And then there was 10 kids by the time I graduated high school. So it just, it grew, but I wasn't close with my family during that time. Just that's kind of my own kid, my own self. But we go up to the farm during the summers and I'd spend time with my grandmother as much as possible because my grandfather was really mean. And my grandmother knew my grandfather was hard on me. She knew my parents were hard on me. And every now and then she would take me with the other grandmas just to get me away. And that's actually where I learned to sew. And they had a sewing machine and cookies and doughnuts and bread. And I just was able to tinker around on the sewing machine and eating cookies.

4:53 And no one really taught me anything. Like she would teach me just how not to get my fingers through the needle, but like, it was just kind of allowing me to just play around with this machine. And that always kind of stuck with me. And I think when you're raised in small communities where you have to be very creative because there's nothing to do out there. I was a kid that talked to myself and I was a kid that just would pick up rocks and sticks and build things. And I think we all did that. And MacGyver was a huge influence for me. And so when I caught my 20s, I knew that I knew how to basically sew and I knew I wanted to dress better than I was. And I went to thrift stores.

5:35 I remember walking in there and I just like the first time I saw this beautiful tuxedo jacket. And I'm like, the thing's gorgeous. Bought it for, I think it's 50 bucks. And that thing had to been, you know, seven, $800 back then, brand new. But then I took it home. It was too big for me. And I just knew that I needed to fit. I wanted to look primer on me. So when I bought this tuxedo jacket, I literally just started cutting it apart and sewing it back together and putting it on me and seeing what I could do. And then I went to this party, this gala, and there was this married couple there and they're like, you're the best dressed guy here. They're like, where did you get your tuxedo and your everything from?

6:15 I was like, oh, I made it. And they're like, can we pay you to make us something? And I was just like, and I, I had a job, I was doing other stuff, but I was like, yeah, you know, if you pay me 2500, I'll do it. And they're like, cool, they wrote me a check and I'll just like, I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea where you get fabric from, never knew how to measure anyone. Like I was just guessing the whole fucking way. And I don't really know how I made them anything that worked. But The thing is, it's so humbling. And they were so kind because The thing is they could have been really mad at me. They gave me a shit load of money and what I delivered really wasn't that great. But I was like, let me try again. And I tried again, and the second time it came out really good.

6:58 And it was good enough that they referred me to an NBA player. And I didn't know he's an NBA player. I thought he was a rapper. But then I made him something. And that's actually how I got the shot at the NBA draft. So it's just because a sports agent was like, dude, you made something for my guy. He won't stop talking about it. We got a kid going first round in the NBA draft. Will you work with us? And I had just been homeless. Like I lost everything. I got sued by next business partner. I had my whole community, my whole friends, every my whole network just decide I was garbage because of journalists decided just to say shit about me. That was like 1/4 true. The rest was bullshit, but I didn't know how to handle it.

7:40 I was afraid to death and not being perfect. I was afraid to death of like just this things like, Oh my God, I'm being sued. Oh my God, I'm being this. And my whole life went from I was probably one of the top 2030 most popular people in the city of Seattle. I built myself from nothing to have the city, Seattle called me all the time. I did so many events, like high end events that were talked about throughout the town. I built a tech company that basically created first hand experiences for travelers into the city and they got to eat with the chef in the restaurant. Like I created that and I had experiences with the Space Needle. Like, think about that, where I had my name as a secret menu and I create all these secret experiences.

8:21 I knew everyone. Like I was meeting with CFOCO, the Starbucks, Google, I mean, you name it, I was meeting with them. I did a private dinner for Jeff Bezos and I shut down the whole fucking restaurant. Brought in and James Beard award-winning chef. I built myself up into this really great presence in Seattle. And I'm not ashamed to say that like, I raised millions of dollars for charities. I was an advocate for the underserved, women of abuse, underserved kids, for dogs, you name it. I was doing something for those charities. And I was just known all throughout Seattle. And to have a lawsuit from a man that didn't even live there, that didn't even evolve what I was doing, to have them team up with a journalist, my whole life imploded.

9:05 Now, there was still shit that was my fault. I'm not going to lie about that. Like, I was running fast and loose. I was scared all the time. I was drunk all the time to make up for all the shit that I didn't want to deal with. And I'm literally what it's like when you don't know how to handle your problems, but you're just good enough to keep pushing the problem further and further down. And you just lucky enough that something big happens where you don't have to deal with it. Like literally that's what kept happening. And so kind of like my clothes that was held together with duct tape and string. My life was literally held together with duct tape and string until the moment it just couldn't hold anymore and everything left me like.

9:48 Right. What was the fear that propelled you? Just not being perfect. But the fear was that was. Just it was just because I wanted to be light. I needed validation. Like I was so afraid of being considered a loser and not rich and successful that I hid that the fact that I was struggling, my business was struggling because of this lawsuit. And what made it worse was that I would drink every night and that drinking got worse and worse and worse. So then I'd wake up later throughout the day. I wouldn't really be handling my business. And then when you drink a lot like that and people are saying, oh, my God, and it creates this form of anxiety that you blame everything else except for what you're really doing to yourself.

10:31 At least that's what happened to me. But yeah, my original fear was just that I had built up this reputation of being the most successful, badass guy that all the women loved, all the dudes envied. I can get anything I want. I was a bit of a Dick, I'll admit that. But I had good reason also because I did everything. I built myself up from nothing. I went into that town at 22 not knowing anyone. And within three years I had the city, Seattle, calling me because Boeing did a private launch of one of the brand new planes. I got to do that. Like that is where I got to and to lose it all it hurt and to lose all those friends. I was talking to a director producer this earlier this week and we were discussing like when I was in LA and I wasn't even anyone big in Lai was just someone making a living, right? But the minute I chose to step back, all those people who had thought were my friends for 18 years. Just not your friends.

11:27 Yeah, well, I realized I had. I'd only built people to support my image of what I wasn't and didn't build any friendships to actually support me for what I really was. And what I was is just a struggling human being that was hiding everything because I was afraid. I was be honest just like everyone else. No matter what, you take away all. Of the anxiety and depression, right, you're pushing. Through Oh yes, and the only and The thing is about in the way I'm I still fought through everything. I tried to that last minute and then when I ended up homeless like that, that was tough because my ex business partner was my stalker and his attorney kept calling my landlord and because they knew I was behind on rent and they kept saying why are you renting to this guy? Why are you renting this guy?

12:12 And finally that my landlord was like, listen, you are behind on rent. He's like, you're a good dude. But they won't stop calling me. Like, will you leave? And I'm just like, yeah, yeah, I should just go. And I didn't get any time. I left that day. Like I had a whole apartment full of my whole life, everything. And it just all got thrown away except for what I could carry my dog, couple bags and a hamper. And my friend Alex took me in and I was a rotten mess. And he showed me to the couch where I was going to stay. And then a week later he was like, dude, you got to get the fuck out. And it was so left field. But also I get it because I was broken to the floor. Like I didn't know what I was going to do.

12:52 I had no money. I realized no one want to talk to me. That journalist kept pushing out all these stories. He started telling people I was a fugitive on the run and like kept doing all of these things so like no one would touch me and no one wanted to hear my story. Yeah, I think people get like lost in the image, right? Like people get lost in the image. Here's a guy who's got it all, who came from nothing, who keeps building, who gets all this attention. Then there's envy in that. And then you very much seem to be a person who acts and then thinks and then feels right, where you're like, yes, I'm going to do it instead of that. And then, oh, I have to do this shit. I did it this way or, oops, that worked or the connection isn't what I thought. And that's like the magic of you and the crazy of your life, right? Like as a person who like watches some of the things that I've seen you go through, right?

13:42 It's like really hard for other people to understand. When I say I lost my home to a fire and an earthquake. And when I lost, I mean, I lost everything. I didn't have clothes. There was no home. There's no place to be. There was no soft place to land, none of that. So when I hear you say you're homeless, like, it like that could make me cry. It breaks my heart because the feeling of I would always describe it as home is not safe. My home is not safe. It can be taken away and where do you root? Where do you trust? And then you have to trust yourself. But then you're hustling. So it's like this wicked sandstorm inside of like fear. I think when I turn like 28 to 30, right?

14:25 The whole Saturn return, woo woo stuff. But that's why I was like, I can't keep doing what I'm doing. I'm becoming what I hate. I'm making these choices that I like because I want to prove to people that I could do it instead of just knowing I could do it. Why do I have to prove it to you? I always say that fuck you is a fossil fuel. It'll only get you so far. It does still get me going because someone kind of screwed me over recently and I was like, you'll see. Do you know, like I'm like that I won't actively go after it, but I'm just like, you'll see, karma is a big one and like it will come back because you're big fish, small pond and there's no need to be rude, right? There's just no need. We can have a dialogue where grown-ups don't always have to get along and you can argue, but you can like still move on from that.

15:10 So I always think of you in this like quicksand, like the total. I'm a little older than you, the 80s, like, Oh no, The trope let me suddenly throw him a rope and pull him out of the quicksand. And yet you still have this unimaginable Dr. And then you're insanely vulnerable. I don't know how you share what you share. Do you plan it? Is everything like spur the moment for you? I'm so curious about that. Well, first it's, yeah, I just turn on and turn on my phone and just say whatever comes out. And I'm not afraid of whatever comes out because I had a time in my life when no one wanted to hear anything and I couldn't even say anything. Like I was so defeated and I was so lost and confused and I was also so fucking angry.

15:56 There's nothing that would have came out coherent at all. And now I have an opportunity just to say things. And it's not that I'm trying to take. Yeah, to own it. Yeah, it's just, I'm just doing what I feel like I want to do and I just want to talk about what I'm feeling and that is it. And that's I don't know it. It's I don't actually think about what I do like with the sharing. Like, I can't tell you how many people be like. That's that's amazing to me. That's amazing to me because especially you've been so betrayed. So then you're like so vulnerable online. And you know, I see a lot of the cotton, a lot of them are supportive.

16:39 A lot of them are hungry and that's the nicest way. I'm like a girls pill up the drool. It amuses me to no end. I couldn't imagine what that energy coming towards me also feels like. So like for me, all the weird things, I think when I look at things, probably people think I just stare at things like, but I'm having like this existential conversation with myself, like, wow, you really put that out there. And do I want to know exactly how you're feeling? Like, how does that impact me? But Oh my God, what must you be going through to share that? And then for just for you to be vulnerable and someone be like, come here, Zaddy. You're just like, wait, that is like that.

17:19 The that is a strange vibe to go to when someone is upset or like when I think of everything I saw after the accident and I was like, why are you taking the blame? I was so mad. But like, here I am a virtual stranger and and as I can see you ride the roller coaster of mental Wellness. Like for me, I'm always like, hey, you doing OK? That's kind of where I like to chime in. Like, hey, there's this strange woman over here who's creative too. And I understand so much. I don't and I don't understand so much, but I see you struggling. Are you OK? Because I also think many people don't check in on the strong one, the one who seems to be processing because they think they're handling it.

18:06 And you know, we have our really bad days too. But I withdraw like you won't see me. I'll just be like, do you ever like withdraw or are you like here and then gone? Yeah, I withdraw a lot, but when I'm struggling the most, like if we look at the way I was posting last year, I was hurting fucking horribly. Now I've withdrawn through everyone in my life. But The thing is, I didn't treat TikTok as anything. I'll be honest, I didn't treat anyone on TikTok as anything. And that's not being bad. It was a stupid app that I didn't know anyone. So to me there was no risk.

18:47 There is no need for reward. It was just me saying something that I needed to say that was more than just me saying it to myself in the mirror. I need to say something that had a little bit of vulnerability where other people could hear it because it made me realize what I was saying. It made me realize what I was feeling. Because if I'm only willing to say the things privately, then I'm not truly admitting to me myself what the fuck is going on. And I thought for the longest time I was dealing well with my mental health. Like I'm a three time suicide survivor and during that time last year my ex business partner was coming to where the city I was living. He travelled thousands of miles to harass him. What is this deal? Can I get this man in jail already?

19:28 He. Deserves to be in jail now. I did report him to the FBI, but it's the FBII did report him to the attorney general. They did look over everything in a state. They basically were like, talk to the state police and let's see what happens there. But like, he deserves to be in jail. Just end the story. You don't get to manipulate the courts. You don't get to harass someone. I mean, he literally just sent me a message last night just and he likes to tell me, let me know that he's watching my TikTok. That's how creepy he is. Can. I block him on everything like. He comes through my website, He comes through my website. And The thing is he comes through my website using five different emails that have my name in it. He will send me an e-mail using my name, my e-mail, and then go off on me and everything's about I'm watching you. You'll never get away.

20:16 And with a lot of his messages, like one of them, I was talking about how I didn't have a safe space, so I created one for my dog. And you're just like, what are you going to do when we get you in jail and there's nowhere for your dog? What's your dog going to do? And I was just like, who do you have who has the time to think about that besides a psychotic person? Dude, he's psychotic it. Upsets me. It really upsets me because first of all, don't fuck with a dog. Second of all, like let it go. Really like, like he can't because his life is miserable, because he's miserable. But I think what it is is this. That piece of shit threw everything at me, not just himself. Coma 4 News is a major news station in Seattle, the Wall Street Journal, the NFL.

20:57 Like he threw everything at me. He had all of my friends that were my friends betray me. He used a civil court system to literally hunt and harass me. He has my Social Security number and my birthday because he got that through the court system. He literally did everything you can illegally and legally and I kept getting up. Think about what that does to someone. Like he can't win and he knows it. He might have broken me, but I keep beating him and he can't fucking stand it because that just shows you how weak he is. That's The thing is no one that's came at me has came at me by themself. They've all partnered up, teamed up with him or a big organization like the Wall Street Journal, and that's how they had to come at me and. It breaks my heart because I study journalism like back in the day, and it used to be so different. It used to be like, you used to have to interview people on both sides.

21:49 You weren't selling entertainment. I think everything has become monetized. Everything's become entertainment. And so like, I find it frustrating. And then people who actually try to do independent stuff, now they're coming after them. I was like, why is knowledge so scary? Like, why is like learning a perspective that's not yours so scary? Why is just listening so scary? Because every time I go out into the world and you're always out in the world, I actually find I have so much more in common with people, even when they don't understand me. The people who I don't click with, that's just a whole other thing. Some people you get along with and sometimes you're just like, oh, hi, nice to meet you. I'll just keep going my way.

22:31 But if I'm just going to keep going my way, leave me alone. Just leave me alone. I think part of like why I enjoyed traveling in Asia was like, because the monoculture, there were rules. Now, whether the rules are all good or bad, clearly up for debate. Nothing's all good, right? But there was a be respectful, be polite. I don't know, wear clothes out in public. Just basic kind of things. And every time I came back, I would have the worst reverse culture shock. Yeah. Just because decency doesn't exist. And like, really anymore? Yeah, and I think it's just because we're all stuck in the same loop. Like we're all being told that the dream is in front of us, but we can't see it because we're too busy checking something on the phone. And we no longer connect with people because we can Only Connect with them through the phone. You can minimize someone's whole life through zeros and ones and that's what's happened like.

23:26 Yeah, and go outside, people. Go do a thing. So you are the king of reinvention and your stamina. I want to know what vitamins you take honestly. Like, I know you're a big. Gym that's crazy I get everything from fruit and eggs and hamburger and that is it and Donuts and can cookies. You're like, I'm like, I'm a cookie girl person. Like if you have warm chocolate chip cookie or fresh break baked bread. Oh yeah, forget it. That's those are my 2 downfalls. OK, so you did fashion, you conquered it and walked away one way or another. Then you took on this whole other. You started IT, then fashion and now what is this evolution that you're in the process of now?

24:10 Because you're changing it up and I know it's in the process. So I don't know if you're like me and you go poo poo poo but I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to jinx it. But I'm like so curious because I want people to no this creative part of you, which is what I recognize every time I look at you. Yeah, I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but. OK. It all makes sense. Like what I am building makes absolute sense for everything I went through. And it makes sense because also I recognize what's a big problem that's happening with people through TikTok. And you know, I'm still having opportunity for fashion.

24:51 It's there. It's going to be built in. But again, fashion wasn't ever my thing. It wasn't the thing. I woke up and said I love fashion, even though, again, like, people always surprised by that. But like I, I took that up. When I see pictures of you then your energy, your eye, everything is so different. I'm glad I'm not the messed up girl I was in my 20s either. But your eyes are so different now, right? Like you, you like, it's, it's like one of the things that you can do is even when you might be talking into the world so you can hear yourself, there's an honesty in your eyes and a vulnerability even when you're tempting all those other people. Because you know, my TikTok is a micro account because I want to talk to about K dramas with people who like my family's like shut up about the C drama, the K drama. I'm like, but look, look at this history. How do I unplug from the world?

25:45 So I've never gone to try to make that anything. And then I also had a comic. She's like, you want to be like Instagram famous Hollier want to make millions because I'm not Instagram famous, but I own 4 houses. I'm like, yes, yes, I like that attitude. That attitude works for me. So she's very cut and dry. I can't mess with her. But you do it all. You do both. It's just fascinating. Like everyone, are you following him yet? Have you like paused the podcast and gone? Where is Andrew? Here, I'll put the links there. You don't have to work that hard if you're not already a fan, but it I think actually your vulnerability is one of your creative gifts. Thank you I. I know you weren't expecting that, weren't you?

26:26 You weren't expecting that. I just I see the flabbergasted on your face suddenly. Again, like I I don't have anything special I do. I just, I feel something and I say it and it's literally just because I still know what it's like when I had nothing to say and no one wanted to hear me say anything. And it's not that I'm trying to wake up and not take it for granted. I just now know that I am allowed to say whatever I want to feel and I say it and I have emotions from 100 years ago to emotions from yesterday. And I don't know which one's going to wake me up and say, say this out loud. And I just whichever one it is, I say it. And sometimes they're funny, Sometimes it's really dark, sometimes it's. Sometimes they're really funny.

27:09 They're really. Dark. My humor is just been my thing, but my humor is built off of insecurity and it's a weird thing that's that just kind of stuck with me. But I do feel lucky in that I can express everything that's in my heart. I can express everything that's in my head. I can express everything that I hate and everything that I love. And words come out, they just flow out and I can't explain it. They just do. And I feel very. Fortunate. That's a divine gift. I also have read your writing, by the way. You're really good at that, and I'm picky. You just have the ability to kind of go there and be real, and you're not talking down to anyone. And again, you address all these same things in your writing and you don't come off bitter in the writing, right?

27:52 It's it's pretty. That's hard. Well, I mean. Like to be able to have that distance to share a really hard story and many of them of all that loss and then whatever. So are you in contact with your adopted family at all? Are they supportive or are they just people that you know? Yeah, I talked to them recently. I needed help with my birth certificate, and I hadn't talked to him a long time. And I reached out to my dad. They're concerned. They're like, are you OK? And I was like, she got crazy in Europe, but it's me. And he was like, yeah. And I was straight up with him. I'm like, listen, I don't know what I want from you. I don't know if I want anything. I was like, we tried.

28:33 I'm not a great son. I'm just not. I was like, and it's not that you're not a great daddy. We couldn't connect in the way I wished. And we tried. I was like, but I need to go find myself. And if I keep trying to figure out how to attach back, I will never be able to focus here. And I don't know what it is, but there's a part of me that believes that I was always supposed to be in Europe travelling to find myself. I've dreamt about it since I was a kid and I'm here and I'm one of those people. And this is what really irritates so many people, is that when I have left, I'm done. I'm done. Because The thing is, and this is the part that people don't understand, most people I've met in my life, I met them during a phase in my life. And that early part of that Phase I was a completely different person than where I am now or when I left because I had to grow.

29:21 Now I give everyone that really wants it or deserves it the opportunity to stay with me, but most of them can't accept the new version of me because they want the older version of me that was weak and broken and needed them and did a lot for them. And this is the harsh reality. Do you have like a calling to bring some people together in any sort of way? And like, would you ever do like charity work again or like how are you also taking care of your mental health on this bumpy journey? Like literally how are you? Because like you share a lot, but I don't know if you want to share. Like how do you, I don't know, soothe and heal?

30:02 So every day is still a struggle 100%. And the struggle is, am I safe? Am I working hard enough? What am I doing? Like those are repeating thoughts. And you know, most people only get to see me for about a minute every day. And what they forget is that there's 23 hours and 59 other minutes in that day. And I, I have my moments and cycles just like everyone else. But one thing I'm very good at is compartmentalizing those cycles or clearing out those cycles. I don't know which one it is. Often it's just something will pop up and I'm like what the fuck am I feeling? If it's anger I've just learned to just let it in. I'm really good with my anger and if it's hatred I that is something I'm trying to work on to let go of. If it's sadness, then that is a hard 1 for me. If it's anxiety, I struggle with anxiety still. The anxiety is more of something's about to go wrong type of anxiety and that pops off a lot when I'm building. It pops up a lot every time someone says something. It pops up a lot when I meet a new relationship or friendship because my vault, I have this knee jerk reaction like, oh, they're going to find something about my past and they're going to either call my stalker or they're going to be like, you're not good enough.

31:29 What feels like it's happening to you that's so crazy. But something in there is just part of what I have to deal with throughout the day. And The thing is, I'm OK with it because I'm also not in a place where I can fully dedicate time to heal. It's the wrong fucking time I have to build if I spent on. And I actually, I told this to a friend, there's a fork in this road and I had the fork in my Rd. about three months ago and my options were one or two. I could heal, spend the rest of my life healing and I'd be no one that'd be forgotten because I would disappear, but I would heal completely. Or to build a new life, but all of my energy has to go into that life, which means everything that I'm carrying, I have to continue to carry, but I can't touch. Which means I'm kicking my healing down the road. But I'm building something for me down the road. And it's there.

32:21 I'll have a place to sit. It's there I'll place to sleep. It's there. I'll truly have a foundation because I don't have it right now. But with there, I will never be fully healed. Never. Because I cannot commit all the energy I need to because I am a builder. If I go down this road, the thing I have to accept right now is that my option to heal completely, the thing that I've always said I've wanted to do will never happen. But I'll be successful. I'll be rich, I'll be popular, famous, I'll be all of the things I fucking want. And I had to make a choice. And I stood on that thought for a couple weeks because I'm not kidding you, I had the opportunity to just leave completely, go quiet.

33:07 I was starting to heal in a way that I never had before. I was feeling emotions I'd never felt. I could understood completely what it was. And I was, I was like, I could finally breathe if I just keep going this path. And then, not gonna lie, I thought of everything I've been through. I thought of the younger version of me that all he ever wanted was to be the coolest motherfucker on earth, to drive fast cars, be surrounded by women, to eat great food. And I know to a lot of people, that just sounds stereotypically just stupid and arrogant and dumb. But as a kid, that is how I dreamt my way out of my problems, out of my insecurities, out of the place where I just felt trapped. I am very much that kid, no matter how old I get. And I kept thinking, That kid got me through to here. Every fucking year.

34:03 That kid got me through to here. Why would it abandon him now? So that was my thought. I. Told you you had a little boy in you. I told you that's. Why he's always older. I'm as a healer, as a person who's worked with people for 10 years. I'm going to throw a new option now because what you're doing is what I called the reach back. So I've become work with people for like a few months, take it or leave it. Like this is like a no pressure thing. This is just like I'll plant a seed of an idea. You keep doing what you're doing because I don't want you to change it because you don't want to change it. So you do, do you? But at some point you don't have to like give up everything for the healing. You might just have to give it a little space, just like how you make space for anger, just like how you make space for sleep and sex and fun and not fun and seven, like all the good things, right?

34:51 But when I work with someone and they move ahead and when they finally feel the anxiety leaving them and then they don't know what to fill all that space with. Because surrender to peacefulness is unnerving, especially if you, your nervous sister has always been wired for chaos. So what they do is they reach back out for some chaos and they pull it back in and then like recalibrate again. It's like not an overnight thing. And Lord knows, I probably have my own struggle. That's why I can talk about it, right? Like I have my own things that way. But I feel that you can have all the success that you want, but you can reshape it without the toxic quality. And I would offer that, and I hope that happens for you. I want you to forget me and be so fucking big and be like, I want time to this favor for this chick. But because you're thriving and you're happy and you feel whole, not from a place of chasing a dream that maybe you can dream better now.

35:49 I don't know. I want you to be safe. I want home to be safe for you because I've made mine pretty safe for me. Now other people would be really uncomfortable because in my home we're really honest because I can't stand liars. So if you come visit, you'll hear conversations will be like, do you all talk to each other that way? Yes. I would just rather know that you can't see on my face right now than something else. I don't know, that's just all together different. But now I'm thinking, I can't wait to see what you grow like. You're making this wild garden. I don't know how to explain like what I see when I look at you now. I mean, if you. Think about it like this was my biggest challenge ever.

36:30 All the shit I went through, this was my biggest one. I came to Europe, to France to help someone and. When? I found out what she was doing like conversing with my stalker and when I found out that the only way she was going to help me with my visa was to marry her I was like none of this is what we talked about and when those. Eyes, Andrew, Those eyes, I tell you, they get and. The thing is when I left, she called the police on me to arrest me. Like I had to leave with nothing, absolutely nothing but more fear. And if it wasn't from some strangers from TikTok, a couple French grandmas, I wouldn't had had the time to actually get my bearings right. Because I'm not going to lie, they pushed me to suicide. I have saved every message, everything that they did. I watched them try to dismantle me and this is the owner of the RV with the woman that was in the RV with my stalker and people from Seattle like it was discussing what they fucking did.

37:30 But I had to live through that, lived through it after I just had the police called me after I had didn't even take any time to heal for myself. And now I'm in a stranger's home wondering what am I doing? And every day they just kept putting pressure on me, pressure on me, pressure on me. And I remember there's a point I almost broke. I was almost like, this is it. I got, I'm done, I'm done. And I busted through that. And then I got to Paris with just with another French grandma. But then I realized I needed a visa and I didn't know how I was going to be able to stay. So I figured out not just my visa, I figured out how to get there. I figured out how to afford. Now I was very fortunate with a GoFundMe. I just enough money to get me there. But I got my visa approved, I got my residency approved, I got my residence card, I got my business started. I made a few friends, I got a home. I mean, that's the thing.

38:22 If I I've made all of this shit happen. Now granted, it is with people that honestly just stepped up for me that amazing in spite of all of that. But what? One day people will fully know everyone and everything I had to go through and everything just to get here. And holy shit, imagine doing that in a country you don't know anything. And it's not like in the US where I could just stay. I was working against the clock, like there was so much shit that just could have gone wrong and they're so many nice. I was just. You see that as your superpower. You just have that superpower of I hope you don't have to start over too many more times in your life. And if you choose to, it's because you want your garden bigger, not because you lose it, but you have that strength of, of doing it like that. I think that people forget.

39:14 People forget that like our grandparents or whatever had nothing and started and we're all so fucking spoiled now. We're all so spoiled and it but it's like, it's worth the work. It's worth it. It's going to be so good. I mean, The thing is I'm great at hunkering down like I'm great at sacrifice. Like I have a friend here and she got very upset at me because I was having dinner at her place and we're and she cooked a great meal. And I saw her a couple days later and she saw my TikTok and she was just like, what are you? Are you eating every other day? And I'm like, yeah, I need to save money. I was like, I'm building my business and she goes, but you were just at my home and she said, why didn't you ask for more food? I was like, listen, I was starving and you fed me. I got enough there to ask for more would be me taking advantage of the situation and I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm OK with sacrifice and I'd already got it into my brain and I already got into practice that I was going to eat every other day, one meal and my dog was going to eat. And the money that I needed was to save up for a place to save up for my business, like do all the things I needed to do. I can do all of that because I've been through all of that. If I've been through the worst and I will literally look at every new challenge that comes at me and I will be like, all right, this is going to cost me a little bit of skin. This is going to cost me a little bit of time. This cost me a lot of fucking heartache, but I'm willing to do it and I just do it and it may be my greatest. Power I need, I think we need to like make you a Cape. I think I need some sort of

40:45 banner just for as a reminder for you as you have your highs and lows. Yeah. So I usually ask everyone I wrap up the interviews with what is your warning label? But do you need a warning label? Like do we do we need to reframe that for you? Like what do you think? Oh God yeah, my warning label is I will scare the fucking shit out of you but you'll fucking love it and you will decide later if you hate me or love me, but that will flip flop a billion times before you finally decide that's the warning label. You know, I could totally see that that's like a long one that's fine print. I definitely need my bifocals for that, but I I love it. I like that you know yourself this well.

41:27 I love that you're willing to always be open and vulnerable and share even when it's anger or fear or vulnerability. The in the expressions, in your eyes. I'll just watch. I don't know that I can do that. But maybe one day, I don't know, we'll see. But so where do you want people to come find you? This is be here in the summer. This is coming out July, August. Do you want them to go to your website or follow you somewhere? Where would you like people to come? I'm on tech shock every day. Seven of Andrew all spelled out. My website is also my TikTok but Andrew jang.com. I don't update it but maybe I will. I am thinking about doing some YouTube videos.

42:08 I haven't decided that yet. I'm on Instagram 7 of Andrew as well but I might do something there. I don't know yet. They keep bugging me to start posting some reels. I'm sure. Well, thank you everyone for coming to the Holly Hughes Podcast, where this is definitely a life outside the box and we'll see you next time.